Long Distance Love

What to do when things go wrong

Let’s face it: Sometimes, relationships end. It’s the cold, hard truth, but it’s real.

When your relationship turns sour, it is important to recognize that. Don’t pretend your relationship is fine if it isn’t. Take the time to analyze what you feel is going wrong. 

I’d advise to take some time for yourself and reflect. What do you want out of the relationship? Has something changed? Have you changed?

Maybe your priorities from the beginning of the relationship have become different. Maybe the distance is getting to be too much, or maybe your feelings have changed.

If any of these are the case, understand that it’s okay. Not every relationship ends in happily ever after.

After you’ve reflected and determined whether or not you feel continuing on is the right choice, talk to your partner. Because of the distance, this is extremely difficult. Break ups over the phone are extremely hard, but it is necessary to have this talk as opposed to leading someone on.

Be prepared for tears, whether they be from you or your partner. Stick to your guns in what you want to say. If your partner isn’t being supportive, they may argue and fight you on this issue. But the truth is, when you take the time to analyze what you want, you’ll see that your state of mind earlier was a lot more clear than it is mid-break up. You were in a sane state as you decided your next move, but you may not be while on the phone crying.

However, that isn’t to say that you shouldn’t listen. Maybe you’ve forgotten all the sweet things they’ve done for you. Just realize that an emotional state isn’t the healthiest for important decision making.

If you both decide that the break up is necessary (whether you decided or not), just accept the decision. A minute, an hour, a day later you may regret the decision, but remember why you did it. Keep a list of reasons why you’re happier or a new to-do list handy to remind yourself that it was a good decision. This way, you can always remember that there was a reason behind all of this. 

Remember that life goes on. If you’ve made this person your whole world, this will be difficult, but you need to move on. Long distance relationships have the advantage of being away from their partner, so you don’t have to worry about awkward run ins or anything of the like. Focus on improving you. 

Keep busy. Don’t fall into a usual pattern of sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring, because it won’t. 

Make some changes in your life. Routine will make you miss your partner because everything will remind you of them. Join a gym or make new friends. This is your chance to branch out and become someone you may not have been in a relationship. 

Embrace being single! There’s nothing like being newly out of relationship. Enjoy the time you have to make new life choices without anything holding you back. 

Relationships end. Life goes on, and so do you. You’ll make new choices and fall in love again, guaranteed. 

You both have a life.

Long distance relationships can take an enormous toll on your personal life. Skipping plans because you’re waiting for a phone call, not going out for something because the time would mean being away from your partner, or any combination of these things can be extremely detrimental. You have to realize that while this person is a part of your life, they aren’t your life. You can’t make this person you’re everything, or else you’ll miss out on so much. 

It’s hard to make a name for yourself when you’re always this&that. Making someone your life is quite possibly the worst thing you can do in any relationship, but it’s extremely important in a long distance relationship.The constant spending time together and the “attached at the hip” effect are gone. You can’t rely on this person for every single thing in your life. You can’t sit around and wait for the chance you can see them again. Because in most long distance relationships, you’ll be waiting awhile. 

Things like making friends and getting involved (whether it be at your job or school, etc) seem so insignificant and simple but are vital to a healthy relationship. You may hate the idea of going out and missing an impromptu Skype date or staying an extra day at school for a club outing, but it’s essential. You’ll go mad if all you do is focus on the relationship. 

A friend of mine came to UF with a boyfriend back home. They were happy, but she was always driving home for the weekend or having him drive up to visit. At the end of her first year, she had nothing to show but a decent GPA and a blank resume. When I came to UF, she emphasized how important it was for me to get involved. While she loved her boyfriend dearly, she realized how little she had done with her time here. I did everything I could to heed that advice, focusing on what I needed to do at UF. I never let the threat of not being able to go home for a day stop me from seizing an opportunity. 

I don’t intend to mean that you should put your relationship on the back burner. Being in a relationship is a wonderful thing, but you need a balance. If you have to skip one meeting to go home for a weekend, do what’s best for you. But never let your partner be a reason you don’t pursue what’s best for you. 

On the same note, understand that your partner has a life too. If they can’t Skype one night because they have an early morning meeting, don’t blame them. They need a life just as much as you do. If you don’t let them have their own lives, it will fall on you to be their distraction, to keep them entertained and happy. For my friend, she suddenly had someone she needed to take care of, this infant who need her constant attention since he hadn’t forged a path of his own. She suddenly found herself struggling with going home all the time and trying to be a Gator. Don’t chastise them for having a life; they need one just as much as you. 

When Nick and I decided we’d pursue the long distance thing, it was understood that both of us had lives. He was extremely busy with his senior year and clubs, while I was just starting at UF and really trying to make a name for myself. We knew that there would be times that we couldn’t be together, and times that we could. If he was in Gainesville for a sport or activity, he made sure to visit me. And if I could, I’d always drive to see him. However, did I sit around and wait for him? No. I joined a few clubs and got involved, so that when I couldn’t be with him, I wasn’t sitting around bored out of my mind. Nick and I both discussed the difficulty of being a part. We were both on each other’s minds all the time, but we had distractions so that every moment wasn’t spent wishing we were together. 

I want to stress how important this is mostly because relationships end, and if you made this person your life, you’ll be left sitting alone and going mad. When Nick and I broke up, I was so thankful that I made tons of friends and actually got involved. If not, the break up would have been incredibly difficult. I didn’t sit around and cry. I dove into school work, went out with friends and pursued more extracurriculars. I was so happy that I had other things to fall on, instead of going home every chance I had or locking myself in my room. I had made a life for myself at UF that I could use as a distraction. 

The bottom line is that you can’t expect someone’s life (or your own) to stop just because you’re far apart. You need to be your own person in order to have a functioning relationship. 

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Little things will always threaten the relationship. A missed call, an off night, a denied Skype date. These can build up inside and make any relationship suffer. 

We’re all human. People make mistakes and that’s life. But focusing on those mistakes, those little hiccups, can drive a wedge in even the most stable of long distance relationships. 

Don’t take a missed call or a bad day as anything but what it is. Most likely, your partner didn’t do any of these things maliciously, but instead just messed up. A missed call is most likely the cause of a misplaced cell phone or a random nap, not ignoring. A bad day can be a plethora of things: a bad grade, a fight, any combination of things. But don’t jump down your partner’s throat simply because of human error. 

I used to sweat everything: falling asleep before calling, canceling even the most insignificant of plans, or just saying a snide remark. But none of these things were used intentionally to hurt me; instead, they were just little reminders that we all mess up. 

If you sweat the small things, suddenly everything will seem bad. You’ll no longer be fixated on what is right, but instead on what is wrong. That isn’t a relationship, but an analyzation. By focusing on the negative you open your relationship up to the evils of the world: anger, jealousy, lies. You’ll begin to look anywhere you can for a problem instead of taking the relationship for what it really is. And even the smallest of problems will become huge. 

Of course, this isn’t to say that you should ignore problems. Sometimes, you need to sweat the big stuff. There are human errors, but then there are bad decisions. And it’s up to you and your partner to decide what constitutes as big or small.

Address issues as they arise, and take them for what they truly are.

Be honest

with yourself and your partner. 

If something isn’t going well in a relationship, honesty is always the best policy. With long distance relationships, you have to count on the other person being honest. If you were physically together, you could probably notice signs of something wrong or something changing. But being apart means the chance of that has decreased. If you feel something isn’t right, you have to just be honest. It’s the only way to keep up trust (which I’ll address in the next post). 

When Nick and I broke up, of course it was extremely hard to deal with. However, he didn’t lead me on for months and avoid it. When he decided things weren’t going right with us and that he wanted to be apart, he told me just that. He was honest. No need to make up an excuse or lie. He told me his reasons and I respect him so much now because he did the right thing. Sure, he could have kept up with the relationship, putting on a show when I saw him but being miserable when I was gone, but he didn’t. And now we’re both free to be our own people. 

Being honest can hurt. When Nick broke up with me, I didn’t care if he was being honest or not, I was so crushed that he didn’t want to be with me. But as time has passed, I understand that he did what was best for the both of us. Be honest with yourself in the relationship. If things aren’t going well, really think about what you want out of the relationship and whether or not you’d like to work on it. If you truly love the person you’re with, you have to be honest.

This doesn’t just apply to breaking up. If you’ve made a mistake or done something bad, be honest. If you are truly in love, your partner will understand. That’s what love is. Accepting someone’s faults and who they are. I’m not saying to forgive someone if they’ve messed up: if they’ve done something that doesn’t sit well with you, then it is your right to be hurt or upset and end the relationship. However, you need to respect your partner enough to be honest. Lies always come out in the end. And if you are really hurt by what they did, don’t put on a front about “being okay” with it. You owe them that much. Be honest in what you did and how you’re feeling. It is the best option. 

Communication

in your relationship is essential. I can’t stress this enough. 

When in a long distance relationship, it is so important to understand that you can’t rely on someone’s actions or facial expressions to do the talking. You are not a mind reader, and neither is your partner. If something is bothering you, simply say it. Leaving it to their imagination will often lead to a miscommunication or assumption that could have easily been avoided if you or your partner had just spoken up. 

Nick and I were terrible at this, so believe me when I speak from experience. I’m extremely passive-aggressive, so any time he did something that hurt my feelings, I would let him think all was well until I got upset that he didn’t know I was upset. I would be sarcastic and angry and cause both of us more stress than necessary. But if I had just said, “Hey, this hurt me, let’s talk about it,” I could have avoided so much. 

There was this one time when Nick and I were just not doing well as a couple. A few of his really good friends had just moved back to town and some of his college friends were back for Christmas vacation, so all these guys he hadn’t seen in months were all back at once. He immediately began spending a lot of time with them. I didn’t mind at all; we were leaving in a couple of weeks to Connecticut for a trip anyway. I have no problem sharing. But soon he began forgetting to call at night or would leave his phone at home and not text me. We have a deal that at night we let the other know what we’re doing if we can’t call. Just a simple “Hey this is what I’m doing, love you” text. And normally he was great about it. But the texts were coming in extremely late, and Nick was still in high school. He began canceling plans and just acting distant. At first, I just trudged along, knowing that we’d have our time together and he never sees the guys. But I couldn’t take it anymore, and called him up immediately and told him to come see me ASAP. He didn’t like my tone of voice, so he raced over. Instead of being rude and angry, I explained what I was feeling to him, and he agreed that he had been distant and a little off. We patched things immediately and he started to pay more attention to what was going on. Had I simply ignored the situation and been rude with him, we would have ended up in much deeper waters. 

Communication is hard sometimes. You may want to pretend something isn’t bothering you so as not to upset your partner. But if they truly love you, they’ll have no problem listening to you and getting to the root of the issue. 

To my followers,

Unfortunately, this blog is going to be a bit harder to write for me. Nick and I decided that our time together was done. I think we both need some time apart to figure things out. I will continue to write this blog with the same tips and anecdotes as before, but excuse me if it gets a little sad. 

Sometimes, long distance just doesn’t work. It takes a lot of effort and is so incredibly difficult that it may seem not worth it. It all depends on the situation.